


Don't Lose Your Grip

by Furuba_Fangirl



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Connor and Evan are a mess at the beginning, Developing Friendships, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Freeform, Gen, Idk what I'm doing help, Just...slow burn for everyone, Mostly between Evan and Connor but everyone will probably get a chapter, POV Alternating, Platonic Treebros, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, These characters deserve happiness ;-;, They're both clueless when it comes to girls, Wingman!Evan, like super freeform holy shit, they work through it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-05-06 00:55:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14630658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furuba_Fangirl/pseuds/Furuba_Fangirl
Summary: Connor never thought he would make it to the first day of senior year. Hell, it would be a miracle if he even made it to his 18th birthday. When he finally decides he's tired of constantly fighting the darkness in his mind, he gets a second chance to find the light that was once there...





	1. First Day of the Rest of Your Life

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the inevitable shit show this story will be! This is my first fic in this fandom so apologies in advance if I butcher this wonderful musical >_< While I wholeheartedly love treebros, this fandom is severely lacking in my other ship so i took matters into my own hands! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧
> 
> I only vaguely know where I wanna take this story so suggestions and feeback are always encouraged! Also, I am a month away from graudating college so I will definitely be slow to update.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day of senior year! I look around at these kids that I've known all my life and I ask myself—what happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look! Another fic starting with the computer lab scene! Original. I know! :D
> 
> Tw for this chapter: self-hatred and panic attacks (not too detailed)

Connor sat in front of a computer screen, leaning his jaw against his hand as he mindlessly scrolled through Reddit. His high had already waned and with it gone, the emotional exhaustion hit him like a ton of bricks. At least he had the silence to keep his mind at ease. He figured nobody would be in the computer lab during lunch, especially, on the first day of school. Everybody would be too busy catching up on all the fucking _amazing_ things they did over the summer. And well… Connor had no one to catch up with…

Which was fine, he had grown used to that already… Not like anybody would want to hear about the antics that occurred at the Murphy household anyway. 

The quiet of the room and Connor’s train of thought are broken by a cell phone ringing. He looks over the cubicle to see a boy in a blue, striped polo shirt fumbling to answer the call. Connor recognizes him as the kid that he shoved in the hallway. _What’s his name again… Ivan—no wait, Evan. Right?_

Connor hardly knew the twitchy boy in front of him. All he knew was that he hung out with that little shit Kleinman and that he apparently had a stroke during a class presentation (which was most likely a rumor, but whatever). He may have had a few classes with him in the past but Connor never really paid attention to the people around him.

He observes Evan nervously fidgeting with his backpack strap as he speaks on the phone in a hushed tone. Connor’s eyes fall on the white band that extends his left forearm and realizes it’s a cast. In his fit of rage, he had failed to notice what it was.

Great. Now, he was the asshole who pushed the kid with a broken arm. Just another shitty thing to add to this school year.

Connor leans back in his chair, crossing his arms over chest. His mind wandering to the conversation he had prior to lunch.

 

 _“I swear, what is your problem?” asked a scornful voice behind him_.

_Connor closed his locker and turned to see his sister, Zoe, standing there. Her mouth was in a thin line as she tried to seem expressionless, but her eyes were burning with anger._

_“Wow, Princess Zoe, talking to her ‘psycho’ brother at school? I must be dreaming,” he chided, as he tried to move past her but she stepped in front of him._

_“Could you be any more dramatic?” she deadpanned._

_“Probably,” he retorted. “Now, will you move?” He took a side-step but Zoe simply mirrored his movement again._

_“You know it’s bad enough you treat your own family like shit. You shouldn’t go around treating everyone else the same way,” she reproached, her eyebrows beginning to furrow. The edge in her voice made Connor feel unsettled._

_“What are you going on about?” He asked, pushing his hair behind his ear._

_“I’m talking about the guy you pushed, Connor. What the hell was that about?” Zoe pressed._

_“I had my reason,” Connor defended with a serious expression._ _If he was honest, Connor knew that he had overreacted (shocking, right?). Ultimately it wasn't him that made the comment about his hair, but he wasn't going to admit that to her._

_“And what reason was that exactly?”_

_“None of your damn business! Get off my back,” Connor snapped, making Zoe flinch a bit. His stomach dropped at her reaction. It just reaffirmed the fact that Zoe was terrified of him and to be honest… he had given her every reason to be._

_He finally maneuvered his way around and started to walk away but not before Zoe added, “When are you gonna stop walking all over people...?”_

_He pretended not to hear and continued walking. “Hopefully not much longer…” He thought to himself._

 

His thoughts are disrupted again, this time by the loud hum of the printer and the crinkle of a piece of paper being dispensed. He waits a bit but nobody comes to get it. Connor walks over to it and sees “ **Dear Evan Hansen** ” printed at the top. He looks over to see Evan closing up his laptop. Maybe… this was a sign… A chance for Connor to apologize for what he did… A chance to do at least one good thing in his fucked up existence. Connor hesitantly grabbed the paper and made his way towards Evan.

Connor cleared his throat, “So, um, what happened to your arm?”

Evan turns his head with a sort of deer-in-the-headlights look. He seems to process the question and mutters, “Oh, I um, fell out of the tree actually.”

Connor quirks an eyebrow up. “You fell out of a tree?” Is this kid serious? “Well, that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my god,” Connor laughs.

“I know,” Evan replies. Despite his small chuckle, Connor realizes it probably wasn’t very funny to him.

Connor scratches his scalp nervously. “No one’s signed your cast,” he points out.

“No, I know,” he murmurs. Connor notices him shift uncomfortably as he looks down at his cast. _Way to make him feel worse about it, Connor_.

“I’ll sign it,” Connor offers, without actually thinking it through.

Evan fidgets and touches his cast, curling into himself. “Um… You don’t have to…”

Connor’s heart sinks a bit. Of course, why would he want the guy that pushed him to sign it? But something in the recess of Connor’s mind told him to push forward. Something that told him not to give up this time... “Do you have a Sharpie?” he insists.

Evan looks at him in disbelief but pulls out a Sharpie anyway and hands it to him. Connor pulls Evan’s arm forward, a little too roughly. “Ow,” Evan whines softly.

 _Shit, do you_ want _to break his arm again_? Connor makes an effort to be more careful as he signs it. After adding the “R” he realizes how big he actually had written his name. Truth be told, Connor had never signed anyone’s cast before so he didn't know there was a certain etiquette to it.

“Oh. Great. Thanks,” Evan says, his voice laced with a bit of sarcasm.

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends,” Connor suggests flippantly, trying to seem like he had a reason for practically ruining his cast.

Evan nods, still seemingly unconvinced. “Good point.” He takes the pen ready to leave now.

Connor finally remembers the main reason he started to talk to Evan in the first place: to give him his paper and to apologize for that morning. “Hey, is this yours? I found it on the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ That’s your name, right?” He holds the paper toward him.

A look of fear washes over Evan. His slightly tanned skin turns a sickly pale color. “Oh that’s just a stupid, it’s a paper I had to write for a, um, for an assignment…” he stammers.

Connor doesn’t understand why he looks so terrified. Whatever the paper is, it must be pretty personal, he figures. He doesn’t want to hold on to that paper any longer than he has to but he accidentally catches a glimpse regardless. “’Because there’s Zoe.’” Connor suddenly feels like he got punched in the stomach. “Is this about… my sister?” He clenches his jaw.

Evan’s eyes widen. “No! Not at all!” he defends.

Connor’s mind starts to race and his mouth goes on autopilot. “You wrote this because you knew that I would find it.” _Of course, that’s all this was…_

“What?”

“You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and printed it out so that I would find it!” Connor is clenching his fist so tightly that his knuckles turn white and his nails are digging into his palms. _This was all just a big joke…_

“Why—why would I do that?”

Connor steps forward and Evan looks like a cornered animal, desperately searching for an escape out of the situation. “So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and then freak out, right? And then you can tell everybody that I'm crazy!” _This wasn’t a sign from the universe…_

“No! Wait—“

“ **Right?”**

“I don’t even, what?” Evan sputters out, trying to get his word in the matter.

Connor felt like he was on the verge of tears. There was no way he was gonna give _him_ the satisfaction of seeing him cry. “FUCK YOU!” Connor rushes passed the frazzled boy.

He hears him call out towards him. “But I really I need that back! Please! Can you just, CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE IT BACK?!”

Connor doesn’t care what he wants. All he knows is that it feels like the air is closing in on him. Like it would crush him if he stayed in the building any longer. Connor sprints across the hallway and practically crashes through the fire escape door to the outside world. He hunches forward, desperately trying to catch his breath, his lungs burning inside his chest.

He feels hot tears streaming down his face and he clasps his hand over his mouth to stifle the ugly sobs that were threatening to breach his throat. _Look at you… You’re crying outside of school… God, you’re so pathetic… but what else is new? Were you actually expecting something different this year? When are you gonna learn?_

_There’s no redemption for you…_


	2. The Voices in Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor just wants to make them stop…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I decided to change the rating of this fic because this chapter got alot darker than I expected (remember this story is super freeform). So MAJOR trigger warnings here! This is probably the worse that it’ll get but you have been warned.
> 
> TW: Detailed description of dissociation, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt

Connor finds himself huddled on the grass, his breathing finally leveling out to just a few staggered gasps. He can feel that his eyes are a puffy mess and wipes some of the snot dripping from his nose with the sleeve of his sweater. _Gross. Look at how disgusting you are._

With a shaky hand, he pushes his hair out of his face and then pulls out his phone to check the time. Lunch was over and he was already missing his sixth period. He figures there’s no point in sticking around anymore...

He looks down at the letter still clutched in his hand. He doesn’t really know why but he folds it up and pockets it in his sweater. He lifts his exhausted body from the ground, his legs feeling wobbly like a newborn colt. He remembers that Zoe has the keys to the car since she refused to let him drive high that morning, so he starts his walk home.

 

Connor unlocks the door to an empty house… His dad was at work, his mom was at yoga (probably, he had lost track of what trend she was on) and Zoe was back at school… He’s alone… Truthfully, even if they were there he would still be alone…

Connor scans the grossly perfect white walls of the house. Every knick-knack was perfectly placed. Every picture frame was perfectly aligned. Everything was just… perfect. _Except you…_ his mind cruelly adds.

He had everything most people could only dream of so why couldn’t he appreciate that. _Because you’re broken_ … _Because you don’t deserve it… Even your family sees you’re a lost cause… They can’t even be in the same as room as you without feeling like you’ll snap at any moment…_

He heads upstairs to his room, his body moving by its volition. Connor sets his messenger bag down on the floor and plops himself down on his bed. He wants to sleep… He wants the voices to stop… He wants everything to stop…

A familiar numbness washes over him. He starts to feel weightless and as he stares around his room everything seems flat. It feels like he’s not there… like everything around him is fake. He raises a heavy hand and pinches the skin on his arm. He sees himself doing it. He even sees the pale flesh beginning to redden but he can’t feel it. Like the only thing between his pointer finger and thumb is air.

The vibration in his pocket is just enough to break the trance that he’s in. He fishes his phone out to see a series of texts lighting up his screen. He sits up on his bed to read:

**Zo: Hey I’m in the parking lot. Where r u?**

**Zo: Connor, it’s been 10 mins. Where r u?**

**Zo: I s2g Connor if ur off getting high somewhere again I’m leaving ur ass**

**Zo: Fine. Whatever. Good luck walking home**

He huffs out a sigh and puts it on his nightstand. _See. You’re just a burden to her. A burden to everyone…_ “Stop it,” Connor mumbles. _Everyone would be better off if you weren’t here._ “Stop it!” Connor covers his ears as if it would actually help. _Why don’t you just disappear? Nobody would notice if you were gone anyway. Not your family. Not anyone at school… No. One._ “STOP IT! STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!” He screams, gripping tightly at tufts of brunette hair. He’s hyperventilating at this point.

_You know how to make it stop… You know_ exactly _what you have to do_.

“I KNOW!” He loosens his grip on his hair, a few strands still weaved through his fingers. He cries quietly, “I know…”

He swings himself off his bed and leaves his room, not looking back. He doesn’t look at the family pictures hanging around the staircase as he makes his way to the downstairs bathroom.

Once he’s inside, he finally gets a look at himself in the mirror. His eyes are still a little puffy, the skin around his nose is a splotchy red and his hair is in utter disarray. _Don’t worry about it… You won’t have to look at that anymore_. He opens up the medicine cabinet, not really knowing what he is looking for. He’s not sure what would do the trick but figures that he can’t be too picky at this point. Zoe was bound to get home any minute.

He decides on his mom’s sleeping pills since there was a good amount left. She had stopped taking them after reading that star anise was an all-natural alternative or some shit like that. He pockets the container and makes his way out the front door. Again, he doesn’t bother looking back.

 

Connor doesn’t know how long he’s been walking. He just knows he’s pretty far from home now. Maybe he should have stayed and waited until nightfall when everyone else was asleep. It would have definitely been less suspicious than completely disappearing but…he couldn’t do that… He didn’t want them to see him like that… Contrary to what Larry believed, Connor did _not_ want the attention. He didn’t want his death to be a spectacle… If he could, he would crawl into the deepest crevasse in the world so nobody would find him…

However, the deepest crevasse in the world was not within arm’s reach, so he settles for a park. The sun would be setting soon, meaning it would be time for everyone to head home for supper. Connor wonders if his family is getting ready for dinner… They’ve probably realized by now that he won’t be joining them. He has left home before without telling them so it probably wouldn’t come as a shock. _They’re probably relieved. They’ll finally get a good meal without worrying that it’ll turn into a screaming match._

He makes his way past the playground and takes a seat on bench farthest away from the few stragglers. Connor decides he should wait until it’s completely dark out to do it. He tells himself it’s to make sure that everyone has left but in reality, he’s scared. Scared of the pain… Scared of not knowing what’ll happen afterward.

He wishes he had brought his weed to roll up one last joint for old-time’s sake or that he had least brought his phone to listen to his music while he waited. _You don’t get that luxury. Why should you get a dying wish?_

“Shut up,” he murmurs, kicking the dirt feebly. He lies flat across the bench to look up at the sky. It’ll be the last time he gets to see the twilight so he might as well enjoy it. The soft pink was starting to transition to a lavender hue and the first stars were beginning to appear. _An evening spread out against the sky like a patient etherized upon a table._ He always did like that poem…

_You’ll be etherized pretty soon._

Connor jolts up, his eyes met with darkness. He blinks a few times to adjust his sight and realizes he’s still at the park… He had fallen asleep. _Leave it to you to take a nap before offing yourself._

His body is wracked by a chill as the wind blows through the still air. He pulls his hood up and zips up his sweater all the way. In the distance, he can hear the creaking metal sound of the merry-go-round in the playground. He remembers a time when he and Zoe would play on the spinning wheel. They would have competitions to see who would last the longest before getting dizzy.

The sweet memory sours when he recalls the last time they went to the park together. He had been having a bad day, he doesn’t even remember why, and Zoe wanted him to play with him. She just wanted to play…. _“No, Zoe! I don’t wanna play your stupid games!”_ Next thing he knew, Zoe was on the ground, her pale, blue eyes filled with so much hurt and confusion... They never went back after that.

Connor reaches into his pocket to pull out the pills, the subtle rattle seemingly echoing through the night. _All you’ve ever done is hurt the people you “love”._   _No more stalling. Just get it over with._ He opens the orange bottle with a pop and pours them onto his hand. _Just think… you won’t have to see the disappointment in your dad’s face… or the tiredness in your mom’s… or the fear in Zoe’s… You won’t feel any more pain…  You’ll feel nothing..._

He unsteadily puts the first pill to his lips and pushes it in. Connor musters up enough saliva to swallow but he can still feel it scrape down his esophagus. _One down_. He slowly empties the contents of his hand, only choking on couple of them. By the end, his throat feels raw from dry swallowing them.  He reasons that a sore throat is the least pain he’ll be experiencing. _Now you just have to wait._

It comes slowly… The drowsiness first… His eyelids feel heavy and his head starts to lull. Then his body starts to tremble… Strands of hair start sticking to the cold-sweat lining his forehead… He curls up on the bench trying to keep himself warm even though he knows he can’t. _You just have to ride it out. It’ll be over soon…_

Suddenly he hears a voice wearily ask, “Hey, um, are you okay?”

Connor peels his tired eyes slightly open, only seeing a silhouette at first. “M’fine,” he mumbles out. “Just tired…”

“C…Connor?”

At the mention of his name, Connor’s eyes open all the way. He must be hallucinating… He has to be… He thought it might happen but he figured that he would see his mom or his dad or Zoe or even death itself…

He did not expect his drugged up mind to conjure up Evan Fucking Hansen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever feel like this, please, please, please get help and stay safe <3  
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> On a lighter note, the poem that Connor’s referring to is called A Love Song for J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Elliot and it’s amazing! Also, star-anise steeped in milk with a touch of honey does in fact help with insomnia. 10/10 would recommend!


	3. A Walk You’ll Never Forget, Even if You Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When taking deep breaths and going on walks doesn't go according to plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan's POV this chapter  
> TW: Symptoms of overdose (including vomit)

By the end of the school day, Evan had bitten his nails down to nubs and he had to fight the urge to vomit up the acid burning in his stomach. Dr. Sherman had noticed his edginess but Evan merely brushed it off as first-day nerves. When she had asked him about his letter, Evan told her that he had lost it at school (which wasn’t a _complete_ lie). She didn’t press him too hard about it but gently reminded him that the letters were to help him. Ironic, considering that the one he wrote could very well ruin his life.

Evan had patrolled the school hallways, _twice,_ desperately trying to find Connor after he ran off. By the end of lunch, he was a sweaty, panting mess (well, even more so). He had resigned himself to the fact that he wasn’t going to find Connor. Even if he did what would he even say to him. _See the thing is that letter is a therapy assignment, y’know cause I’m a walking disaster who can barely keep his life together. Anyways, I only mentioned Zoe because I’ve had a huge crush on her even though she’s barely looked my way and we’ve literally had one conversation like ever. So if you could not mention that fact to her and give it back, that would be great!_ …Yeah, that conversation would just be swell.

At home, he tries to distract himself by binging episodes of _The Twilight Zone_ on Netflix. However, this is Evan we’re talking about, so eventually, his mind is flooded with all the worst case scenarios.   _What if Connor really does show Zoe? What if she gets a restraining order against him because she thinks he’s some stalker?_ He wraps his himself tighter with his quilt. _My chance with Zoe would be over before even before it started._ _But then again what made me think I had a chance to begin with. Zoe’s beautiful and talented and sweet and well… I’m none of those._

Evan wanted the ground to swallow him up. His nerves were literally eating him from the inside out like termites and nobody was there to hear him out. He could call Jared but… Evan knew he wouldn’t take him seriously. He’d probably make fun of him for being a loser that has to write to himself to make himself feel better. Maybe he could call his mom… _No, I would just be bothering her… She’s working and studying because of me… Why should I add to her problems...?_

He sighs and debates whether he should go out for a bit since Dr. Sherman had advised him to go on walks whenever he felt overwhelmed. Evan checks the time; it’s past 8 and it was already dark out. Despite this, Evan decides that it’s better than drowning in his own thoughts, so he slips on his shoes and grabs a jacket before heading out.

The night air is crisp and there is a comforting silence. Truth be told, Evan did like the nighttime better than the morning. At night, he didn’t have to try so hard to hide all of his ugly parts. The darkness provided a comforting blanket that would cover everything that he preferred being left unseen. He takes a few laps around his neighborhood before choosing to head to the park.

When he gets there, he realizes how quiet and empty it really is. As he passes the playground, it seems almost ghostly. The wind is making the swings sway slightly and the merry-go-round spin slowly with a creak. It suddenly dawns on him that if he got mugged, nobody would be there to hear him and then he might get stabbed and left to bleed out on the playground wood chips. _Oh, God,_ _what if a kid found my body and then they would be traumatized for life because of me. Even if I died I would still be causing problems…_

Evan considers leaving right then and there but he realizes that he really isn’t alone. Across his field of vision, somebody is curled up on the bench. At first, he thinks it might be somebody who’s just homeless. However, in the dim light of the distant streetlight, he can make out the subtly youthful features of the person. They’re just a kid… probably no older than him, Evan guesses.

As he cautiously gets closer, he sees the person shivering despite wearing a sweater. Evan fiddles with his fingers, wondering if he should approach them to see if they’re okay. _What if they’re just a drug addict and I really get stabbed in the neck. That would not be fun… But they look so lonely…_ All Evan can remember is how he felt after he fell. How every minute that went by was like salt to a gaping wound reminding him nobody was going to come get him… That he wasn’t significant enough to be found… He didn’t want anyone else feeling like that…

He steps forward and tentatively asks, “Hey, um, are you okay?”

Their eyes crack open slightly to reveal slivers of icy blue. As they look up, they weakly respond, “M’fine… Just tired…”

Evan’s stomach drops… That voice… Is it…? “C…Connor?”

His eyes widen and his eyebrows furrow in confusion. “What… what the fuck?” Evan watches in disbelief as Connor tries to sit up, his arms shaking under his weight. “W…what are you doing here?”

“Um, I guess, I was going to ask you the same thing…” Evan replies, nervously picking at the edge of his cast.

Connor seems to sway, completely zoned out. “You’re…not supposed to be here… No one was supposed to…to find me… Not yet anyway…”

“Sorry, but uh what do you mean by that…?” Evan’s eye catches a flash of orange on the ground. He crouches down to pick it up and sees it’s a prescription bottle… It’s completely empty. Evan’s blood turns to ice. “Connor? Did… did you take all of these?” Panic rising in his voice.

Connor chuckles dryly, his head slumping to the side. “Yep… ‘bout to be checking out of this shithole real soon…”

_No, no, no, no. I did not just walk into Connor Murphy committing suicide! Okay, don’t panic… Don’t. Panic.  If I do, I’m gonna watch him die right in front of me and it’ll all be my fault and I’ll go to jail— Okay that’s panicking!_ Evan pulls out his phone and starts dialing with trembling fingers.

It feels like an eternity until he hears a voice ask, “911. What’s your emergency?”

“Yes! Hi! I’m, I’m at a park. I’m here with, uh, somebody who just took a b-bunch of sleeping pills. He needs an ambulance right now! I-I don’t know when he took them,” Evan explains as best he can with his quivering voice.

Connor glares at him dully. “What are you doing?”

“Calling for help. I need to get you to a hospital,” Evan informs him.

That seems to trigger something in Connor, as he pushes himself off the bench. “Like hell you are,” he spits but he doesn’t have enough energy to make it threatening. Connor tries to lunge towards Evan’s phone but he stumbles to the ground.

“Connor! H-hey, are you okay?” Stupid question. He currently has a stomach full of sleeping pills; he is obviously _not_ okay.

Evan goes to help him up but Connor swats him away. “Fuck off, Hansen! Don’t fucking touch me!” Evan steps back a bit, not wanting to agitate him even more.

All of sudden, Connor’s clutching his stomach and hurling up its contents onto the grass. Most of it is just bile mixed with a foamy white substance, considering the only thing he ate the entire day was a bowl of cereal (and yes he did finish the milk, big deal Zoe).

_Not good! Not good! He’s getting worse!_ He goes back to talking to the dispatcher who tries to keep him calm enough to get more details about the situation. Evan tells him the name of the park and the pills. The dispatcher instructs him to make sure that he doesn’t aspirate any vomit and to try to keep him conscious.

Evan kneels down to Connor who is still keeled over and shuddering. Evan puts his phone down so that he can take off his jacket. As he drapes it over his shoulders, Connor grabs Evan’s good wrist weakly. He looks ups at him with dilated eyes. His skin was a pale, greenish color and his hair was soaked in sweat. “Just…leave me alone… Please… Evan… just leave me here…” Tears start streaming down his face. “I’m just so tired…” he sniffles, burying his head into Evan’s chest.

Evan is in shock. He’s never seen somebody so vulnerable before and doesn’t know what to say at the moment. So instead he wraps his arms around him in an effort to comfort him. “I know… believe me… I know, Connor,” he croaks. “I can’t— I don’t think I can convince you th-that things will get better… There are days I can’t even convince myself,” he gulps. “B-but that doesn’t mean we should give up… When we fall… all we can do is pick ourselves up and keep going…”

Evan feels Connors body go limp. “Connor…?” He pulls away slightly to look down at him and sees his eyes are shut. “Connor! C-Connor wake up! Connor, please, wake up!” He begs, shaking him to no avail. He feels tears welling up in his eyes. He checks his pulse and can only feel a faint beat, which reassures him a little bit.

In the distance, Evan can finally hear the sirens of an ambulance. “See, Connor! They’re almost here! You, you just have to hold on a little longer!” He knows he’s saying this more to convince himself rather than Connor.

Relief washes over him as he sees the flashing lights approaching. “OVER HERE!” he yells, waving his arm.

The next few moments are a blur to him as people are rushing towards them and as they pull Connor away on a stretcher. His ears are ringing and he doesn’t realize that he’s hyperventilating until a paramedic crouches down toward him trying to normalize his breathing. “Is, is he going to be okay?” Evan asks between gasps of air.

“I don’t know, son. It’s too soon to tell… but you did all you could do to help,” he explains, putting a hand on his shoulder. Evan continues to inhale through his nose and exhales through his mouth until he finally can breathe properly. The paramedic helps him up and insists on taking him to the hospital as well but ultimately Evan declines. He doesn’t even want to think how worried his mom would be to find out that he was in the hospital, _again._ The paramedic can’t force him so he relents and joins everyone else. Evan watches as the ambulance drives away and the wailing dissipates into the night…

Evan was on autopilot, not even remembering how he got back home. He sat on the edge of his bed, heart racing as the whole ordeal replays in his mind. He stares at his shaking, clammy hands and considers taking his meds but the mere sight of them on his nightstand makes him want to puke… He almost doesn’t believe that it all happened… That he possibly saved Connor Murphy or that he was possibly the last person to see him alive… 

Evan hears the front door, opening. His mom was home. Quickly, he gets into bed and pulls the cover over his head. He hears footsteps and his door creaks open. “Sweetie?” Heidi whispers. Evan holds his breath. She sighs, disappointed that once again she didn’t get to say goodnight him. “Night,” she says nonetheless.

Once she closes the door, Evan allows himself to exhale. He feels bad but… he can’t face her after the day he had. He can’t even begin to explain to her what happened. Exhaustion finally hits him and he goes to sleep knowing that he would wake but… that Connor might not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an announcement on updates. I'm gonna be pretty busy this week with exams and reports so I might not get a new chapter out until next week.
> 
> Side note: I just watched The Book of Mormon bootleg with Ben Platt and my love for him has increased 10 fold (which I didn't think was possible).


	4. Would You Sing a Requiem?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why should I play this game of pretend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this doesn’t really progress the story that much but I really wanted to get a Zoe centric chapter out. I love her and I sometimes feel she’s very underappreciated. So I hope you enjoy anyways!

Zoe’s anger had simmered down on her drive back home. She was pretty pissed when she realized Connor wasn’t going to show up but not surprised in the least. She’s accepted that Connor does whatever the hell he wants and if it inconveniences her most of all, it’s probably a bonus…

Zoe steps into the house and is greeted by a soothing silence. As he slips off her Converse shoes, she calls out, “Anyone home?” …No response. She sighs in relief as she realizes that she has the house to herself. Even if it won’t last long, she wants to appreciate the moment regardless.

She makes her way upstairs so that she can grab her guitar from her room to practice a bit. She has been working on a new song and it would be nice, for once, not to be berated by Connor. _“Will you knock that shit off or at least play better!”_

Yep. She was gonna play as loudly as she wanted.

As she passes Connor’s room, Zoe notices his messenger bag on the floor. _Fuck._ She wearily peeks inside expecting to see him strewn on the bed, music blasting in his ears but there’s no one there. “Connor?” She crosses the threshold of the doorframe to survey his room; there are dirty clothes strewn everywhere and the musky smell of pot hits her nose. Her shoulders tense when she sees his phone on the bedside table, feeling as if she had walked straight into enemy territory. She almost expects him to appear from behind and drag her out of his domain… But he doesn’t. His phone and bag are the only traces of him so Zoe exits to the safety of her room.

She figures Connor isn’t in the house at the moment… Still, she finds herself strumming the guitar strings as lightly as she can.

 

As dinner rolls around, the Murphy’s settle into their designated seats, leaving one empty chair at the very edge of the table.

“Is Connor still upstairs?” Larry questions, loosening his tie a bit.

“Uh, no… He still not home. The school called and said that he missed his last two periods,” Cynthia admits apprehensively as she passes Larry the salad bowl.

A sigh escapes his lips and he rubs his temple. “Have you tried calling him?”

“Yes, of course, I have,” she responds with a hidden edge in her calm voice. “His phone was in his room… He must have stopped by the house for a bit.”

 “Probably wanted to grab his stash first,” Zoe comments, shoveling a forkful of mushy spaghetti squash into her mouth. Cynthia had insisted it tastes just as good as regular spaghetti. News flash. It absolutely does not.

“Sweetie, please don’t say things like that about your brother,” she scolds.

Zoe tries her best not scoff at that. _Right, he can get away with calling me a bitch but I can’t insinuate he’s a stoner. Totally fair._

“Well, you can’t blame her for thinking that, Cynthia. I mean he’s been gone for hours, what else could he be doing?”

“Larry, please,” Cynthia quietly implores.

“All I’m saying is that you should stop coddling him. We all know what he does in his spare time,” Larry deadpans.

"I do not coddle him. I try my best to reach out to him without criticizing him."

"Is that what you think I do?"

"I didn't say that," she defends.

"Sure sounded like it. And you’re right maybe I do but someone needs to be realistic with him...”

Zoe stabs at her food trying to tune out her parents' argument. It's gotten easier to do lately since they always seem to argue about the same thing over and over again: ...Connor. It's like leaving a record spinning until the music loses all meaning. Both of them repeating the same speech in the hopes something changes but the result is the same. The record ends and all that's left is white noise... until they decide to reset the needle again.

She glances over to the chair across from her. It's empty. It's empty but the topic of conversation is still about him. Yet another reminder to her how much her family’s life has revolved around Connor and his problems. Zoe feels her insides churn. She feels the bitter seed in her growing and writhing inside her like a beast from Greek mythology. The bitterness that's grown from the constant slams and blows and venomous words. The bitterness that she feels gnawing its way out of her body until one day it’ll come out full force…

She hates it. She hates herself for feeling that way and …the darker part of her hates Connor for feeding it.

Zoe puts her fork down. “Can I be excused?”

Her parents’ attention finally falls on her. “Oh, but you’ve hardly touched your food, honey” Cynthia observes. “I can heat you up something else if you want?”

“It’s fine, I’m not really hungry,” Zoe responds.

“Well, maybe you can stay for a bit. Tell your Dad and me about your first day,” she persists.

“Actually, Mom, I have some work I wanted to catch up with. First day and they’re already piling up the homework,” Zoe lies.

“Oh, alright then,” she relents, a soft smile masking the dejection she feels.

“Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your dinner,” she says as she excuses herself. Zoe feels guilty for lying to her mom but as soon as she leaves the dining room, she feels the tension lift off her shoulders… She’s never the one to be selfish so she’ll take this moment.

 

Zoe is awoken by frantic footsteps outside her bedroom. Her heart nearly leaps out of her chest when her door flies open, a dark silhouette standing there. She's relieved when sees Cynthia but she's in tears. “Zoe, baby, I’m sorry but we have to go! Right now!” she begs.  “Larry, please, get the car ready,” she yells.

“I know, I know, I’m getting the keys!” he answers back, a hidden panic in his serious tone.

She rubs her tired eyes, trying to make sense of the situation. “Mom, what’s going on?” Cynthia sits on the edge of the bed and grabs Zoe’s hand with her trembling one. “Mom, you’re scaring me. What happened?”

“Zoe… It’s Connor… He’s in the hospital. He tried… He tried to…” Her words turn into snivels but Zoe can understand what she’s implying. Connor tried to kill himself… Zoe’s mind goes blank. She feels like she’s dreaming… She’ll wake up soon, right?

She snaps back into reality when she feels her Mom cupping her cheek. “Honey, we have to go. We have to be there for him.”

Zoe slowly nods as Cynthia guides her out of bed. She doesn’t even bother looking for her shoes, instead slipping on a pair of lavender, fluffy slippers. They rush down the stairs as they hear Larry honking the horn. As soon as they’re buckled in they peel out of the driveway and make their way to the hospital.

 

When they got there, the doctors explained what had happened. Zoe heard the words but it was like they were muffled…distant even. Connor had overdosed on sleeping pills. Somebody found him and called the ambulance. The doctors got him in time to pump his stomach. It’s like her mind doesn’t want to believe what’s going on…

She sure as hell believes when she sees him sleeping in the hospital bed. He’s hooked up to an IV, his skin pale and chocolate hair tangled. He looks… well like shit. But…helpless at the same time.

Cynthia rushes to his side in hysterics and Larry does his best to keep her calm, his expression stoic as can be. While her parents join his side, Zoe lingers near the door. The whole thing is surreal… The boy who threw printers and chairs and who pounded relentlessly on her door threatening to kill her is completely…subdued. Yet, she can’t bring herself to go near him… She can’t bring herself to be sad… _I know I'm supposed to be but I can't ... What does that say about me?_

 

Morning rolls around and Zoe’s eyes flicker open. The first thing she hears is her parents talking in a hushed tone. “Cynthia, why worry about it now? Connor’s alive.”

Cynthia motions to a piece of paper in her hand. “But maybe— maybe this boy can help us understand? Maybe he can tell us why Connor… why Connor felt like he could disappear,” she sobs, clutching the paper to her chest.

“Honey, please… whoever this boy is, there’s no point in asking him now.” He puts his hand on her shoulder. "You can ask Connor when he wakes up." 

She nods her head wiping away tears. "I guess you're right. We shouldn't worry Connor's friend now that we know he's going to be alright."

"What friend?" Zoe asks.

"Oh, sweetheart, we didn't mean to wake you."

"Well, I'm up now. What's this about Connor having a friend?" Connor doesn't have friends. He can't stand anyone let alone be friends with someone.

Larry speaks up this time. "The nurse gave us Connor’s belongings. There was a letter Connor wrote... He wrote a letter explaining why he did what he did. He addressed it to his friend… A boy named Evan Hansen," he explains.

"Evan?" The boy he pushed in the hall. "Why would he...? I don't understand..."

"Do you know him?" Cynthia asks.

"No, not really, he goes to our school. But Connor and him... they're not friends."

"Well, why else would he address it to him if they're not?" Cynthia pushes.

"Lemme see that?" She grabs the letter from Cynthia.

"Zoe, don't—"

"Zoe, I don't think you should—"

Against her parents’ protests, she reads through it. _"Dear Evan Hansen, it turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because… why would it be? Oh I know. Because there's Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe..._ " What? " _Who I don't even know and who doesn't know me. But maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish that everything was different. I wish I was a part of something. I wish anything I said mattered. I mean, face it: would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow? Sincerely your best and most dearest friend, Me_."

_Why would... Connor have his hope pinned on me... He hates me. He's made that pretty clear so why would he say that? Why would he want that to be his last words?_

She must have looked like she was on the verge of collapsing since her mom and dad both help her sit down on the couch. 

"I'll go get you some water," Larry offers. 

Cynthia rubs up and down her arms trying to soothe her but Zoe's mind is still reeling. She looks at Connor lying on the bed, completely oblivious to what's going on. Then she feels a hot rage burning inside of her. "You asshole!" she blurts. 

"Zoe—"

She shoots up from the couch and charges toward him. “‘All my hope is pinned on Zoe.’ What the fuck does that even mean? How were you gonna leave us with this shitty explanation?" She says crumpling the paper in her hand. She grips the sleeve of his hospital gown. "And to a complete stranger! You sick bastard!"

Larry comes back to the room and he helps Cynthia pry her off her unconscious brother. Hot tears start pouring from Zoe’s eyes. _Why am I crying? I don't want to give him a single one of my tears anymore because I've already mourned him... I've come to terms with the fact that I lost my brother a long time ago. I lost him to the monster he became._ She wraps her arms around her parents sobbing freely _._  

_To say you actually cared, after all you put me through... is the cruelest thing you've ever done to me..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In terms of updates, I’m definitely going be all over the place from now on. So I'm sorry about that >_< But, hey I’m graduating in a couple weeks, so yay! :D


	5. What Comes After You Are Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor wakes up and must catch up with everything that has happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back :D I graduated college so I'm gonna have more time to dedicate to writing (hopefully)!
> 
> TW: Very brief reference to past self-harm (the subject will probably be touched in later chapters but will add greater warnings 'til then.)

Connor thought that overdosing on pills would be the most pain he would feel… He was wrong.

Pain was waking up, disoriented, in a dimly lit room. Pain was seeing himself covered in pristine white sheets and an IV protruding from his scarred arm. Pain was the soreness in his abdomen as he sat up.  Pain was seeing his mom and Zoe curled up in a small couch with a thin blanket thrown over them while his dad was slumped in a chair. Pain was seeing the exhaustion in their faces. Pain was realizing it didn’t work…

It only gets worse when Cynthia awakens, her eyes meeting with his. “Connor?” She stares at him, sleep still heavy on her expression.

“Hi, Mom,” Connor rasps, his throat feeling dry and irritated.

She finally recognizes that’s she’s not dreaming and she throws the blanket off of herself to rush toward him. “Connor!” she sobs. Her outburst ultimately waking up Zoe and Larry as well. Great.

Cynthia grabs his hand and Connor tenses at the touch but she is too overcome with emotion to notice. “Hi, honey,” she says, pushing strands of hair away from his face.

Zoe stays where she is staring at him blankly while Larry joins Cynthia’s side putting a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, bud… How are you feeling?”

 _Frustrated. Confused. Wanting to be dead._ “Peachy,” Connor answers curtly. “How… How did I get here?”

“Connor… do you remember what happened?” Cynthia asks cautiously.

He nods slowly. “Yeah… yeah, I do but…how did I get to the hospital?” _I was alone…_

“They told us someone found you at a park and called the ambulance,” Larry informs.

Things are fuzzy aside from the drowsiness and the ache he felt in his body… Still, the more he thinks about it… he remembers someone else was there talking him through the hurt… A familiar presence he could have sworn was… Evan Hansen.

But that’s ridiculous… Why the hell would Evan be there? Even if he was, there is no way in hell that he would help him. He was just the school freak in his eyes… “Do you guys know who it was…?”

“No, I don’t, honey... I wish I did, though. So I could thank them for—,” her words transition into snivels. “I’m sorry, Connor. I’m so sorry! You shouldn’t have even been there! We should have gone to look for you! We should have never— _never_ let you feel like you could disappear!” Cynthia hiccups wrapping him in a tight hug.

A lump starts forming in Connor’s throat and he feels tears prickling in his eyes. He tentatively wraps his arms around his mom. _You did this to her… To_ them _. You would’ve saved them so much trouble if you had just done it sooner…_ “I’m sorry too, Mom,” he murmurs. He lets her clutch onto him as long as she wants… It’s the least he could do for her.

 

Once Connor gets transferred to the psychiatric wing, he doesn’t get a moment to himself. If it isn’t a nurse or his temporarily appointed therapist, it is one of his parents watching him. Which is understandable since, y’know, he did try to off himself. Still… he hated being observed. Everyone has put him under a microscope his whole life and this was no different.

Even Zoe, who generally avoids him like a plague, is analyzing him. She’s been trying to keep her poker-face but Connor can tell something is different. It isn’t really pity but it is more like... she is trying to decipher a puzzle but doesn’t know where to start.

It's even more obvious when Cynthia and Larry go to speak to his doctor about his release day, leaving the two siblings alone. There has always been tension between them but this was something…unfamiliar. Zoe shifts, uncomfortably in her seat before getting up suddenly. “Here,” Zoe mutters, holding out the tote bag she had been grasping.

Connor blinks at it dully. “What is it?”

Zoe rolls her eyes a bit. “It’s called opening it, genius.”

Any other day, he would have told her to fuck off but he finds her snarky remark kind of refreshing. He takes the bag and opens it to reveal a small pile of books. _His_ books to be exact.

Zoe clears her throat a bit. “I didn’t know which ones you would want to read, so I just, uh, grabbed a few from your shelf.”

He inspects them a bit in awe. Connor realizes that most of them were some of his favorites: the covers are worn and corners wrinkled from his bookmarking. “Um… thanks.”

She nods her head. “Well, I figured they would keep you from saying shit like, ‘I’m so bored I could kill myself.’ Mom doesn’t find those comments very funny,” she clarifies.

"Right..." If Connor didn't know better, he would think Zoe was trying to be nice. 

Zoe kinda lingers a bit, not going back to her seat. He sees her twirling a strand of hair in between her fingers, her eyes locked on the floor. "Can-- can I ask you something," she finally pipes up. 

There it is. He was just buttering him up to satisfy her own curiosity. He huffs, "If you're gonna ask why I did it, save it. I've had enough people prod me about it these last couple of days. I don't need you to bitch about it too." He crosses his arms like a pouty kid. 

Zoe looks up at him again, lips pursed, her defense back up. "Forget it. It was stupid anyway."

At that moment Cynthia and Larry return to the room and Zoe makes her way past them. "I'm going to the cafeteria," she informs bluntly. 

Connor lets out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his greasy hair. _Nice going dumbass._

"Everything alright, Connor?" Cynthia asks noticing his agitation. 

"Oh, I'm fan-fucking-tastic," he jeers.

"Language," Larry reprimands. 

"Sorry. I'm just dandy, Mom. I really enjoy being stuck in this shithole."

Larry shakes his head at that comment, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m going to grab some coffee…” he responds tiredly.

After Larry leaves the room, Connor turns his attention to Cynthia. "So how much longer do I gotta stay here?"

Cynthia sits on the edge of the hospital bed. "The doctor said it’ll be a couple of days until we can take you home, but look,” she says with growing enthusiasm. “He gave us a list of psychiatrists that specialize in youths. We’ll get you an appointment as soon as possible,” she promises.

“Great,” Connor grumbles.

Sensing his skepticism she gives his wrist a reassuring squeeze. “Hey… Things might feel hopeless right now but…things we’ll better, you’ll see.”

Connor can’t help but cringe at her optimism. He knows she’s trying to help but it sometimes hurts more than helps. Because he always feels like she’s wasting her time on him and no matter what he does… he ends up disappointing her anyways. “We’ll see,” he finally answers meekly.

Cynthia perks up again. “So I was thinking we could do something nice once we get you back home,” she suggests. “Oh, I know maybe we could have your friend over for dinner. I bet he’ll be glad to see you’re okay.”

 _Friend?_ Connor scoffs, “Funny, Mom… I doubt anyone even noticed I was gone.”

“Nonsense. Evan is probably worried sick about you,” Cynthia assures.

Connor’s eyebrows shoot up. “Evan? How do you know about, Evan…?” _And why the hell would she think he’d even care about me…_

Cynthia fiddles with her fingers “Oh… about that. I know you didn’t want us to see… to see the note that you wrote to him about why you tried to…” Cynthia sighs. “We just wanted to know why you did it...”

Now Connor is even more confused. “What note?”

She looks at him with a bit of concern. “The note you wrote to Evan. ‘Dear Evan Hansen… it turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all.’ Do you not remember writing that, Connor?”

“No, I didn’t…” It suddenly dawns on him… _“Dear Evan Hansen”… The paper I took from Hansen. The stupid letter about Zoe… Why does Mom think we’re friends because of that?_ “Can I… can I have it back… Maybe, it’ll jog my memory,” he lies.

Cynthia shifts slightly. “Honey, are you sure you want it back…?”

He rolls his eyes. “Come on, Mom. It’s not like it’s gonna loosen another screw up here,” he says tapping his temple.

She cautiously pulls out a piece of crinkled paper from her purse and hands it to Connor. Once it’s in his hand he gets a sinking feeling. It’s not something he particularly _wants_ to read considering the downward spiral it sent him on last time... but curiosity grips at him. He unfolds the paper carefully and begins to read through the printed letters.

The more he reads, the more stumped he feels… _This letter… what in the actual fuck is it? Sure it mentions Zoe in it but… it really does sound like a suicide note… Shit. Did I take Hansen’s suicide note? “I mean, face it: would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?”_ Connor swallows hard as he reads that line in particular over and over again. It hits a raw nerve in him… Like Evan reached into his mind and plucked an excerpt of some of his darkest thoughts then put it on paper. _Maybe he gets it too…_ Connor shakes the thought away. _No one will ever get the shit that goes through your head_ …

Cynthia clears her throat, “I know we haven’t done a good job at being there for you but… I’m glad you found someone you could open up to…” She smiles at him wearily, a hidden guilt underneath.

“Mom, I…” The words get stuck in his throat. He wants to tell her he didn’t write the letter. That Evan Hansen was no one to him… but what good would that do? It would just make her feel even worse. The fact that her screw up of a son can’t even make one friend… Connor sighs, “Yeah… it’s whatever…”

Cynthia’s eyes seem to light up. “Well, I would love to meet him someday.”

Connor decides to amuse her. “Maybe one day…” _Yeah, right. Hansen wouldn’t be caught dead with you... He’s not like the figment of your imagination that your fucked-up mind made up… He won’t save you… No one can…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there are inaccuracies with Connor's hospitalization. I don't have any personal experience and when I researched online the procedure for suicide attempts varied so I tried my best to be realistic.


	6. Let Me Know You're Still Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With no sign of Connor at school, Evan enlists help to find out what happened to him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers! I'm sorry for the awfully long hiatus to this story. I got a bad case of writer's block and put it on the back burner while I worked on another DEH fic. I do have a better idea of where I want to take this story but I can't promise that I'll be more consistent with uploads. For now, enjoy this daily dose of angst ^_^

Evan sits on the edge of his bed, anxiously bouncing his knee up and down. He glances at his closed laptop, weary of the decision he is about to make. It’s almost been a week since he found Connor at the park and he has no idea what happened to him. If he was okay or not… That thought itself has tormented Evan these past few days. He’s convinced that he’ll develop ulcers at this rate and he’s realized that he can’t deal with this alone. Although… this isn’t the ideal person he wants to reach out to. Evan sighs and opens up his laptop, making himself more comfortable on the bed.

Once Evan signs into Skype, he hovers his cursor over Jared’s username. Before he can overthink it, Evan clicks the mouse. His stomach churns as the obnoxious caller tone continues to ring. Suddenly, Jared’s face appears on the screen. He removes the set of headphones he was wearing before groaning, “This better be good, Evan! I was crushing it on Call of Duty.” He waves his control in front of the screen to emphasize what he was doing it.

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I just— I _needed_ to talk to someone about this.”

Jared rolls his eyes. “Fine, fine. You better start talking then and please spare me your rambling. I don’t wanna be here for an hour.”

“Alright then.” Evan takes a deep breath before blurting out, “Connor Murphy tried to commit suicide and I don’t know if he survived!”

Jared blinks at him. “Uh, come again? Did I hear you say that Connor Murphy tried to commit suicide?” Evan nods his head in response. “I thought so… Now, how exactly do you know this happened?”

Evan sighs, “A few nights ago, I went to the park for a walk. While I was there, I found Connor and… he had taken a bunch of pills. I-I called the ambulance to come help but… I don’t know what happened to him afterward.”

He pushes his glasses up. “So, let me get this straight. So you, Evan Hansen saved our local school-shooter, Connor Murphy, from a suicide attempt? …Well, I’ll give you credit for creativity that’s for sure.”

“I’m being serious, Jared! This really did happen. Besides, I don’t know if I ‘saved’ him or not. He hasn’t been back to school all week and neither has Zoe so I can’t ask her if he’s okay or not and I don’t know what else to do,” he babbles.

Jared stares back at him, his eyes looking like they’re ready to burst from his skull. “Holy. Shit. You are not fucking with me.”

“Of course I’m not Jared.”

“Dude! Do you realize that you got the chance of a lifetime to win over Zoe Murphy now? If this doesn’t get you laid, I don’t know what will.”

Evan blushes furiously. “Jared, can you please take this seriously?”

“Oh, come on, Evan. I’m sure a part of you wanted to win some brownie points with her by saving her brother.”

Evan’s eyebrows furrow. “Tha— That is not why I saved Connor! I saved him because…” _I wished someone was there to stop me._ “Because it was the right thing to do…”

Jared stays silent for a moment. “Sheesh, alright, no need to get pissy on me. Anyway, I don’t know what you want me to do with this information.”

“Well, I didn’t know who else to turn to. You’re my only f—“ Evan catches himself. “Family friend.”

“Oh my God,” he huffs.

“Can’t you just, I don’t know, help ask around to see if anyone knows anything? Maybe one of Zoe’s friend or someone in Connor’s classes?”

Jared leans back on his office chair, contemplating Evan’s request. “Ugh, fine. I’ll see what I can find out tomorrow.”

He exhales in relief, “Thanks, Jared.”

“Yeah, yeah. But you owe me.”

 

The next morning, Jared meets Evan at his locker to discuss their next move. “You sure this a good idea?”

“Relax, Evan,” Jared assures. “Alana basically knows everyone in our grade. Hell, maybe even everyone at our school. If anyone can help us find out anything, it’ll be her. If she asks too many questions we’ll make it up as we go along.”

“I guess…”

The boys observe as Alana plucks out a couple of books from her locker. Jared is the first to stride over, with Evan following closely behind. “Hey, Alana, how’s it going?” Jared greets.

Alana turns around, slightly confused that someone was approaching her. However, she instinctively puts on her cheery smile. “Hi, Jared. Hi, Evan. To be honest, I’ve been pretty busy. I know it’s only the first week of school but my honor classes are giving me a lot to do. Not that I’m complaining or anything. I enjoy being productive. So overall I’m doing pretty good, thank you for asking,” she finishes.

Both Evan and Jared wonder if she took a breath during that whole discourse. “That’s great,” Jared disingenuously praises. “Anyway, we had a question for you and we were wondering if you could help.”

Alana’s face lights up at the opportunity. “Sure thing. What is it?

Evan starts, “Um, well, we actually we were wondering. Not that it’s a big deal or anything but—“

Jared cuts in to save Evan (and himself) the trouble. “We noticed Connor Murphy hasn’t been here for a few days and we were wondering if you had any idea where he’s been. We have some notes for him so he doesn’t fall behind,” he lies.

“Oh, that’s really nice of you guys! But I’m sorry, I really don’t know where he’s been. Actually, come to think of it Connor was supposed to be in my 6th\- period physics class. I’m almost certain. But he didn’t show up the first day so I just assumed he had just transferred out of it. ”

Evan’s heart sinks as he realizes that Connor must have left school right after he had found his therapy letter. “Oh… Well, if you hear anything can you please, um, let us know?” Evan requests

Alana beams, “Sure thing, you can count on me!” They hear the ten-minute warning bell start to ring. “I’ve got to get going but I’ll get back to you guys if I find out anything.” Before leaving she turns to Evan and Jared again. “You know it’s really nice that Connor has friends like you guys. Well, maybe it’s a bit presumptuous of me. You might just be acquaintances but still, it’s nice to know someone cares. See you guys around!” She gives them a wave before sauntering off to class.

Jared leans back on a locker. “Did you hear that Evan? We’re such caring friends,” he quips sarcastically.

Evan groans in frustration and thuds his head on the locker lightly.

“Aw, come on. Quit the drama. We still have the rest of the day to find out…” Jared’s voice trails off abruptly.

Evan shifts his head a bit to see Jared staring behind him. “What?” He suddenly feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to see… Zoe. Evan’s breath gets stuck in his throat before managing to gulp, “Oh, hey, Zoe…”

“Hey…” Zoe shifts uncomfortably where she stands. “Can I talk to you? Alone…” She clarifies.

“No need to worry,” Jared assures. “I’ll leave you two. Have to get to class anyway.” He pats Evan’s back gruffly before departing.

There’s a long silence before Evan stammers, “So, what did you want to talk about?” Although he has a pretty good idea but… he’s dreading to find out.

“It’s about Connor… I don’t know if you’ve noticed but he hasn’t been at school?” There’s an edge of reproach in the tone her of voice.

“No, yeah, I noticed. Sorry, I had been meaning to ask but I didn’t know how since you weren’t around either,” he explains as he tugs on his backpack strap.

Zoe’s expression softens a bit. “Right… Well, Connor… he’s fine. He’s been in the hospital but he’s been doing better…”

With that the tension in Evan’s body releases. Evan sighs, “That’s… that’s good news.”

She glances at Evan’s cast for a moment. “Yeah… I figured you should know since you’re his only friend.”

 _Friend?_ Evan looks down at his cast, remembering he had Connor’s name scrawled across it. He realizes that a signed cast and saving her brother’s life might strongly suggest that they’re friends. “O-oh, right.”

“There’s something else.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear nervously. “My mom, she wants to surprise Connor once he gets out of the hospital. She wants to know if you want to come over for dinner this weekend.”

Evan’s eyes widen at her offer. “Th-that’s really nice of her to invite me but, um, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” Her eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“’Cause I’m not sure if Connor would want to see me right now… Y’know considering everything he’s been through.”   _Considering the last thing he told me was to let him die…_

Zoe nods, seemingly understanding his reasoning. “Well… if you change your mind, let me know.” She shoulders off her backpack and rummages through the front pocket before pulling out a magenta sharpie. “Can I?” She motions to Evan’s cast.

“Yeah, sure,” he chokes out holding his arm out towards her. Zoe grabs it lightly and starts scribbling on it. He hopes that he can’t she can’t hear his heart beating rapidly against his chest. Once she finishes, Evan sees a phone number along with “Zoe” written in cursive. He notices that it’s the same color as the stars on her jean cuffs. “Uh, thank you.”

The second bell rings and they realize it’s time to go. “Well, I’ll talk to you later, maybe.” She waves goodbye and starts heading to class too.

Evan is one of the few stragglers left in the hall, his feet feeling like lead. He almost doesn’t believe what just happened… Zoe Murphy just gave him her number and most importantly… Connor is alive.  

**Author's Note:**

> If for some reason you liked this mess, drop a comment, subscription or kudos! ^_^


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